A little update

I owe you a bit of an update don’t I? Over the past few months I’ve been dealing with one of those monster depressive episodes. The kind that start off like a ‘normal’ one, and then simply don’t seem to end. It’s nothing new; I’ve been suffering from depression since my teenage years, but dealing with anything that lasts more than a few weeks still seems impossible to this day.

The thing with longer lasting episodes is that they basically wreck you’re life’s rhythm. It becomes a snowball as it interrupts more and more areas of your life. Sleep, food, health, social interaction, work, finances. Then you look around you, ready to pick things back up and all you see is the mess that needs to be cleaned up first. And then you go back to bed thinking ‘maybe tomorrow’.

I wanted to do an update sooner but I’ve learned not to write blogs while being that unstable. It’s not because I don’t feel that people in the middle of a depression shouldn’t have a voice, I do. But for me personally, it doesn’t work and serves no purpose. It’s also difficult to explain how depression’s dark and nasty voice can co-exist next to the part that continues to care for a child and a home.

So I decided not to update which was the best I could do at the time. It does of course bring to light a different problem that I need to address at some point; my work and the people who care about my absence. I need to think about how to approach that in the future, in a realistic way. Not the hey-I’m-back-and-on-top-of-the-world-again way. I guess a way that is more accepting of the fact that these mood swings, these depressions, are part of the structure of my life and need their place in it. 

So that is something I might write/journal/paint about while I dust off my stuff and take things one day at a time. As my mood changes and self-hatred and paranoia subsides, I realize how lucky I am to have people all over the world who care, send messages and kind words. I just wish I could thrive on that a little more often. But I’ll take the moments that I do feel that and thank you with all my heart.

12 thoughts on “A little update”

  1. This all makes sense to me right down to the parts that carry on with the caring for child and home alongside the intense paranoia and despair. It’s exhausting. Thank you for being you, thank you for your authenticity, your honesty and your integrity and all the things that make you who you are. It’s so good to see you again.

  2. You are a sensitive, intelligent, beautiful soul Sabra. I wish more people were like you. My heart aches for you, but you will see easier days again. It’s the way of this life. Many warm thoughts and love your way.

  3. Sabra, these episodes usually get worse as we get older. Both my boys and husband are bi polar, one major depressive bi polar. I’m not a doctor, but after many years have learned and experienced a lot. Untreated it can get harder and harder to stabilize and can turn into schizophrenia. I encourage you to start taking meds, even though I know how hard it is to find the right cocktail, in the end do it for yourself and family. You’re a gifted artist, and your community loves and needs you. It’s a miserable way to exist. Do you have a family member of friend you can trust to tell you when they see your moods and habits change? This can be helpful to have outside eyes. The brain is the only organ that doesn’t realize it is sick. And be vigilant to see a psychiatrist every three to six months. I’m sorry if I’m stepping over my boundaries, but I care. You can delete this. =)

  4. Sabra, I am one who loves and admires your artwork….AND your courage and strength to share your ‘journey’.
    I also love, and experience, God! He can totally heal you of the dreadful and seemingly powerful scourge that we call Depression. If you want Him to change your life for one of joy and peace, send me a PM, and I can share with you how to know Him. He has healed me of intense, gut grief that I had after losing three of my little ones, and then He gave me my younger son against all the specialists’ advice…a perfectly healthy baby boy (who is now 40!)
    Sabra, I’m not a ‘crackpot’…. just someone who cares. I’ve done a few of your online classes and truly admire your amazingly creative talent.

  5. I am going through a depressive episode which does not want to leave me. My anxiety is sky high and I have upped my meds hoping for some relief. I exercise all the time. I can’t imagine what I would feel like without miles on my bike, water aerobics, heavy duty gardening and Pilates….I’ve been able to read a lot during this episode which helps…. ( sometimes I’m robbed of this). I have much to be grateful for, but when this happens, I seem to dwell on the negatives in my life …. Past and present. I stopped doing art work since the summer began and that has been a big loss for me. It’s wonderful to lose yourself to something that inspires and brings you joy. I wish to thank you for your openness and honesty regarding your own depression and hope your mood lifts soon! Please know your update has made me feel better!

  6. I have thought of you often these past months. Wondering, hoping you are doing alright. I’m happy to see an update, but I totally understand the ups and downs and the times when we just can’t engage and then the times we can. I was sending you lots of prayers. You are a beautiful soul with such a gift. I feel lucky to have taken part in your classes and posts and seeing your beautiful artwork. Take care of you. Big hugs! Cyndy xoxo

  7. So sad for you having to live like this Sabra, we all have ups and downs in our lives but I cannot begin to imagine the difficulties you must experience on a regular basis with these extended episodes.
    My heart goes out to you and so good to hear that you are well again.Keep up your wonderful work as you are a gifted artist with so much knowledge to share.
    Love from Sharon OHearn

  8. Jeanne R Melanson

    Thank you for sharing here, Sabra. I, too, have suffered from depression since my teens. So that means I’ve been depressed for about 50 years. It sounds terrible to say that but I know you understand. I admire you and your honesty and look forward to studying a bit with you in the upcoming Let’s Face It 2022 year. Peace to you.

  9. My heart goes out to you Sabra, I’ve suffered with depression too. You are not alone, we care, we are listening, we are praying. You matter, you child matters, hang in there, you are not your illness, you. are. so. much. more. You will get through this, I trust God can help you get through this, He helped me, one day at a time, even one moment at a time, there is hope. 🙏💛

  10. I’m reading this well after it’s been published and I’m so happy to see so much has taken place since this entry alluding to better days, at least more often, I hope. As a mental health therapist I thank you for this very intimate, raw and honest account of how depression can and does wreak havoc in peoples lives. In addition to being a gifted, hard working artist, I would say you have at least one book within you. Your writing style just pulls the reader in tight, as do your courses. I’ve been so fortunate to experience your teaching community, you are my absolute favorite and I’ve learned so much from you already in LFI22 and Mixed Emotions. Sending warm vibes your way with a wish that one day soon you see the beauty that is you as we all see it. Inside and out. Plain as day.

    1. Thank you so much Suzanne, I’m so glad to have you here as a part of my journey. Your words mean a whole lot to me <3

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